Superdog!!!!

So after a horrendous trip to the dentist today–THREE cavities (I’ve never had one in my life, then I get THREE?!?!? I think the hygienist is lying)

But I digress. Mae is working late so I decided to go hang with Atticus for a little while. After the best 11 minute ab workout on earth–Slim in 6, kicks my ass every time–Atticus and I head out for a walk. I figured I would get crazy and walk with the pup to a nearby park. We usually just walk around Mae’s complex a few times so this was big stuff for Atticus.

We set off. Mae lives on a main road so we are walking on a tiny little sidewalk with SVU’s whizzing by, causing me to have minor strokes every time the dog moves for fear he will dart into oncoming traffic.

Just as we walk out of death alley and onto a slightly larger stretch of sidewalk a old, crazy white man clad in only a wife beater and pants 17 sizes too big who is surely a clan member starts yelling obscenities at me. Well my fantastic super-dog Atticus AKA. Wolverine starts barking and growling at this old man (we’ll call him Forrest). I seriously thought my little 14.3 pound dog was going to hurdle the fence and rip Forrest’s Nazi flag tattoo right off his arm. Now Atticus loves strangers and always runs right to them. So for him to lose it on Forrest was a big deal. What a good dog! I think he’s a genius!

So we carry on walking to the park. With me picking the dog up and darting across the main road with visions of Frogger in my mind. I kept picturing those huge tractor trailers that flatten that little guy. We finally make it into the park and discover how much better this place is on foot than in a car. It’s called Ellington Agricultural Center, if you live in Nashville check out all the walking trails. After we explore a few trails and Atticus is dying of thirst (I didn’t bring him any water, yes I’m a bad dog owner) we find a river.

Atticus loved this river, he dug up things and ran like a crazy dog for about 40 minutes. I’ve never seen that lazy dog so excited. It was so cute. He and I were, sweaty, covered in mud and river water and I’m sure we looked like hobos or 12 year old kids after a long day.

Atticus was still so excited on the walk home that he practically ran. Since we had gone so slow on the way there I thought we would jog back. So as we are jogging Atticus decides he is going to dive headfirst into a stream that runs alongside the road. He completely immerses himself in the muddy water then leaps into my arms from fright. It looked to funny I collapsed on the side of the road in tears from laughter. So at this points we are sweaty, covered in mud, river water AND grass, out of breathe, and crying with laughter. 

We finally make it home. I know Mae will be seriously irate if she comes home to a nasty, wet, smelly dog. So I know the only option is to bath this poor exhausted creature. I wrestle him into the tub and proceed to get even more wet and stinky (is that possible at this point??) bathing him. I feed the poor animal and he practically kissed me for putting him back in his crate. I am sure he is FAST asleep as I type.

I then get into my car and immediately realize that I am that smell. It’s never good when you can smell yourself! After a freezing cold shower I am thouroughly exhausted and happy. 

What a Nashville day!!!!  

 

Ed. Note- Sorry guys I had video’s but I can’t figure it out just now!

Deep Thoughts Part 44.8

• Telephone headsets make me laugh..Hard. I want to sing Madonna songs whenever I see someone wearing them. Bluetooth is pretty much the same story, I laugh really hard when people wear them. Most of the time they see me laughing at them, oops. But seriously bluetooth..come on.

 

• Ugly Betty is about 28 and still has braces. Hey ABC, no one has braces for 5 years, I think its time to let her get them off. Evolve the character people.

 

• I could not have loved it more when Bailey told the nurses on Grey’s to close their legs and stop having sex with Sloan. Those nurses are whores, quit sleeping around and concentrate on your job bitches!! And Sloan?? Seriously, you’re trying to tell me it shocked them he was sleeping around??!!? I guess that’s why they aren’t Doctors, not so smart. (sorry if anyone is a nurse out there! Love you!)

 

• I think my dog has Pica. He ate about a pound of sand today, isn’t that weird? I’m pretty sure I’ll be dealing with doggy diarrhea in about 3 hours. Not the smartest dog on earth.

 

• I forgot what it’s like to be so happy you actually can’t think of anything to bitch about. I’m not sure I’ve ever been this happy. If you know me you know it’s big if I can’t find something to be sarcastic about!

 

• My dog’s favorite toys are some knitting and his brush…I think he’s gay. Maybe it’s because he has two mommies. It’s ok I accept him just as he is, don’t worry.

 

• Angelina Jolie’s having twins. I really hate that tramp, but still kind of wish she lived in Nashville and needed childcare, she would keep my school open with her 48 children. Imagine the diapers those people buy, they will have 4 children (possibly 5) in diapers. I think she uses anti-birth control.

 

• Tipp’s post on 15 parenting tips is hilarious. I think it is hilarious how many people just wing parenting. READ A BOOK PEOPLE! DAMN! If your 8 year old sleeps in your bed, still takes a bottle and breast feeds you are a failure. Plain and Simple.

 

• I tried out for Wheel Of Fortune one time. I didn’t make it…damnit. I would kick that shows ass. I’m a puzzle solving fool!

 

 

 

Atticus Update

As I type Atticus is alternately attacking his new chicken toy and chasing his own tail. He got SO big in the three days I was away! I can’t believe it!

I thought I would post some new pics of the little guy.

 

Behavior update: Atticus is doing great! He is totally fine with the crate, actually likes it (and I didn’t believe the vet!) and his accidents are few and far between. He actually sits by the door and whines now! Amazing, dogs are so smart! The vet said Australian Shepard’s (that’s what his momma is) are really smart. But I think 2 weeks is pretty incredible (I might be a scoche biased)! (HUGE sigh of relief inserted here.

HO-LY SHIT! As I’m typing Atticus just walked in to the bedroom and lay down in the crate!! He’s a genius!

Virgin

Yup, it’s me. I’m the virgin. Puppy virgin that is. Let me tell you puppies are HARD WORK. I went into this endeavour all naive and bushy tailed. Ready to have the most trained dog on the block. He was going to be so much fun, Mae would have some company, where was the downside??

While Atticus is seriously the cutest thing on earth he can also be a big pain. Everyone who is awwing right now and thinking I am really mean has obviously never had a puppy!

We got Atticus on Sunday, he was so good. Charmed my three year niece, he was so sweet with her, just slept on her lap and let her pet him non to gently. He played with my nephew and charmed Mae when she got home from Indiana.

THEN it started. Monday he was with me all day. He cried and barked if I left him side. He refused to walk making me carry him everywhere (I realize he was sad about leaving his mom and all that but DAMN). Monday I put him in the crate for the first time and he was GREAT! He slept in the damn thing for like an hour. I thought I was home free! However, my naive ass didn’t realize I was sitting right beside him of course he was aces, he knew I was there! Well, Mae gets home and we test him in the crate in the other room. It was MAYHEM! Picture the scene in Lady and the Tramp when they are barking about the rat. I swear to god I thought this dog was going to blow out his vocal cords. Mae and I sat in her living room staring at each other in horror. Mae lives in an apartment and we had already agreed that if she got a noise complaint Atticus would have to find a new home. Finally he calmed down and I went home. Seriously relieve to get away, however I had nightmares that he was in the bed with me and I was smothering him all freaking night.

Fast forward to Friday. After a week of shitting on the carpet (he hasn’t done that in a few days, Pissing everywhere he pleases (he still does that), crying in the crate (he is over that, thank god!), and waking Mae up every hour (we are hoping this will stop ASAP!). We were done. Mae calls me at about 7 and tells me that when he woke her up at 5:30 she burst into tears. I’m pretty sure it was the ugly cry and I don’t blame her, she had worked about 50 hours that week and born the brunt of his hourly potty breaks.

I was distraught, how could I let this dog ruin my friends life! And on top of that Atticus seemed miserable, he moped around all day, never played, hated walks and was only happy with other dogs. I felt so bad for him. He was miserable, we were miserable. I spent the whole morning thinking about it. I am not going to lie, I cried from sheer exhaustion as well. There was just too much going on last week; exams, Cruella had reared her ugly perfectly coiffed head again, and on top of all that the dog was majorly time consuming. I was spending 3 or 4 hours a day trying to train him. Mae was putting in about as much time at night.

Then I went to the vet. Man let me tell you the vet did some MEAN things to my poor pup. I felt so bad for him, but I asked about a million question. Why was he so lazy? Was he sad? How much should I feed him? What is he?? When will he SLEEP? The vet was awesome and answered everything for me. Apparently our little Atticus had worms and that had a lot to do with his disposition and sleeping problems.

Atticus has perked up in the last few days, I’m pretty sure he is getting used to our crazy schedules. He is acting more like a puppy and not having as many accidents. We have pretty much beaten the crate. Now he just needs to sleep through the night, so we can save Mae’s sanity.

Atticus is currently sleeping across my shoes with his water bottle in between his paws. So Cute! Forget everything I said puppies are great. Wait, he just peed on the carpet, DAMNIT!

Things I have learned

I never knew how much it is possible to care when and how much a dog shits

Dogs can get depressed

Dogs are really really smart and can sense your mood (he knew he was on the chopping block Friday and was sweet as pie)

You can learn exactly what your dog looks like right before he pisses on the carpet and stop him in time.

Vets check to see if your dogs testicles have dropped (YOWCH!)

A water bottle is a lot more fun than the $100 dollars worth of toys you just bought (Damnit)

Everything needs time and patience, especially dogs

PUPPIES ARE HARD–Get one that is crate and potty trained and save yourself a HUGE headache.

 

Totally random note–I’m watching Somewhere in Time with Christopher Reeves and Jane Seymour. Anyone seen it? I absolutely love this movie! I am crying in anticpation of how sad it is!

 

I’m a bad mommy

Ok so I am a bad mommy.

So tonight I am hanging out with the pup at Mae’s. So I decided to be nice and clean up (really I just got bored and actually love to clean).

I am cleaning away and the TV goes nuts (Mae doesn’t have cable so picture this-Me wrapped in foil, one leg up in the air swearing–loudly). While I am balancing on one foot trying not to step on Atticus (his permanent place is under my feet) I knock off a bottle of oil (its smells good I guess) ONTO THE DOG!  

I AM A BAD MOMMY!

The dog is covered in oil and is getting his first bath once Mae gets home with shampoo. At 9 PM! DAMN IT!

Training Bra Tramps

Ok so this is pretty much how I feel today.

 

So at the end of this horrific day/week I go to get some nice greasy Chinese food (I’m definitely an emotional eater, I’m planning on eating an entire chocolate cake in about an hour, I’m waiting for the 6 pounds of pad thai to settle).

As i am waiting for the food I can’t help but overhear (who am I kidding, I might as well have a glass to my ear) two children. Picture training bra’s and knee socks. ( these kids were actually 14-15). So here is the conversation

Girl 1 (we’ll call her Amber)- So Tim like totally keeps telling me he loves me. I’m like whoa Tim back off

Girl 2 (she’ll be Tiffany)- That is so crazy, I can’t believe he like keeps telling you that. Gah!

Amber- I mean Tony told me he was telling him how hot I was. He said I was a sex pot. (i swear to god this child said sex pot–she might as well put on go-go boots head to Studio 54 and do a line off Hugh Hefner’s ass)

At this point I am trying to decide if I should laugh or cry. I choose to roll my eyes excessively and sigh like it’s my job. I should save my sanity and stop listening but I just can’t tear myself away. Kind of the same problem I have with reality tv.

Amber- Tim came up to me and was like so I hear you have a new car, we should try out the backseat.

Tiffany- Gah! Oh my Gosh! Wow! How did he know you have a new car? (as if this is the part of that sentence that warrants comment)

Amber- I guess he heard me talking to Cindy. I mean I was like back off. But you know I’ll probably do it.

At this point I am literally biting my cheek to cause enough pain to distract me from this car-wreck. In my head I am screaming about teen pregnancy , STD’s, and waiting until you at least have an A cup to test out the back seat! Also, please god don’t start out your sex life in the back seat. It won’t be worth it kid!!

So I thankfully grab my food and run out the door. As I am getting into my little Mazda hatchback ( I love it) I see these bitches kids hop into a brand new Mercedes. However, mom was in passenger seat waiting for them. HA!

Some Random Rants

Why God Why do people going 30 mph feel the need to drive in the left lane! MOVE OVER GRAMPY!

On that note- If you are smoking a cigarette, talking on your gay, stupid, losery blue tooth and fiddling with yourself YOU SHOULD NOT BE DRIVING!

I wonder what it would feel like to punch the bot-ox right out of Cruella. I bet really good.

I wish we could have allergies in winter, it sucks already. Allergies really bring spring down a notch. Damn the pollen.

Why do people view an evite and then not respond? HELLO, just mark NO it takes ONE MINUTE. And side note I can see when you view it!!

I never thought I would be so happy to see a dog take a shit outside…

I kind of like Ashley Simpson’s new song… I hate myself a little for that.

Star Jones is getting divorced–Gee I’m so surprised. (my voice is dripping with sarcasm right now)

Slightly Dog Obsessed

Guess what this post is on..Dogs! Surprised? I might be a scoche dog obsessed right now! Its been about ummm lets see, we moved here in ‘85, so 23 years since I’ve owned a dog. I’m entitled!

Ok Mae and I were talking about dog names tonight and we found the PERFECT one. I can’t wait to share. Mrs. Lilac and Tipp will definitely get the meaning, lets see who else will!  

First, you have to know the options we went through, because they are pretty damn funny.

Mid-last week we decided we were naming our dog a ghetto rapper name

Ludacris

Lil Kim

Snoop

Fat Joe

 

Then today after we met cutie cuterson we thought about using

Guiseppi (my sister would have cried with laughter at this one)

Arturo (think overboard…Katarina! Arturo!)

Meatpie (that was my brother)

 

Still later today we decided we were going to use some obscure Beatles reference

Gideon

Rocky

 

Nothing was right!!! Then I thought of it! I looked up Mae’s favorite book (I’m not going to tell you what it is because I want to see how many recognize the name)..and we picked the PERFECT name

 

ATTICUS FINCH

 

 

Isn’t that cute! You get a prize if you read that entire post! And another prize if you know the book! Unfortunately the prize is listening to me yammer about this dog some more!  

Tipp, I might be rivaling you for dog posts…

Mae, there you go..it’s sealed in cement..or binary code…LOVE YOU!! Thank you so much, I couldn’t ask for a better friend!

 

It’s A Boy!

The hunt is officially over! After an exhausting day driving all over the middle Tennessee area, Mae and I have purchased our little cutey (still to be named) pup.

We drove all the way to Shelbyville, all the Tennesseans know how far that is from anywhere, to everyone else its FAR, like ends of the earth far. It was TOTALLY worth it though.

We had looked at pictures of the 4 pups left for adoption before we left the house and Mae had already decided she loved this little guy. I was on the fence as to which one I liked the most. However, as we walked in we were both sold. He was the most easy-going, loving, calm but still playful little guy in the room. You could tell he was the favorite of his foster family.

His mom is an Australian Terrier. But I’m pretty sure she is a mix of some kind. Every one of these pups looked different. Ours is clearly the cutest! And added bonus–he was only $25!!

The foster family was calling him Jack, we will not. We are now on the search for the Great Dog Name ‘08! Since we aren’t getting him until the 18th or so we have some time.

Here are some pics of our new little guy, SO SWEET!!

 

 

Damn he is CUTE!

 

HELP!

Ok the Great Dog Hunt ‘08 has reached a fever pitch. Mae is totally coming through and I think getting a little excited despite herself.

 

I need you guys to weigh in! Here are the options:

A little cutey Yorkie:

 

A litter of Beagles

 

 

A little Rugrat, a rat terrier pug mix

 

 

Or a little Schweenie (1/2 Daschund 1/2 Shih Tzu–How funny is that name!!)

 

 

 

Ok weigh in please!!

 ed. note: The plot thickens! I have to make a decision by tomorrow night! The Yorkie won’t be around after that. She has the sweetest owners. Added bonus for her: the owners are only charging shipping.

Still More Random Thoughts..

 

More random thoughts. Sorry guys, it is a distinct possiblity that I am just a very random person.

 

• You know you are a grown up when your mom buys you a case of your favorite beer.

 

• You know you are a cheap ass when a case of your favorite beer only costs 10 bucks! Yuengling kids..you know you were wondering…

 

• I love that Mrs. Lilac  knows as much useless celebrity gossip as Mae and I. Its hard to do guys, hard to do.

 

• I love Tipp for bringing Mrs. Lilac into our lives.

 

• Isn’t Schweenie the cutest dog breed you have ever heard? 1/2 Daschund 1/2 Shih Tzu

 

• I want to name my dog Schweenie

 

• Schweenie is my sister and nieces nickname.

 

• There Will Be Blood was a MAJOR disappointment

 

• Daniel Day is still an incredible actor.

 

• I almost cried when I stuck Ziggy back into his cage today. NOT like me.

 

• Juno is funny. 

Juno: Your shorts looks especially gold today

Bleeker: Thanks my mom uses color safe bleach

Juno: Go Carol.

 

• I kind of love Bleeker. A lot.

 

• I hate it when people make alot one word.

 

• What does “I like to have never mean”?? 

 

• Can you believe Boy George in The Wedding Singer is

A. An Arquette (i.e. Patricia, Rosanna, David)

B. A women now?? Woah…

 

• Please tell me you have heard the pregnant man story?? WOW.