Superdog!!!!

So after a horrendous trip to the dentist today–THREE cavities (I’ve never had one in my life, then I get THREE?!?!? I think the hygienist is lying)

But I digress. Mae is working late so I decided to go hang with Atticus for a little while. After the best 11 minute ab workout on earth–Slim in 6, kicks my ass every time–Atticus and I head out for a walk. I figured I would get crazy and walk with the pup to a nearby park. We usually just walk around Mae’s complex a few times so this was big stuff for Atticus.

We set off. Mae lives on a main road so we are walking on a tiny little sidewalk with SVU’s whizzing by, causing me to have minor strokes every time the dog moves for fear he will dart into oncoming traffic.

Just as we walk out of death alley and onto a slightly larger stretch of sidewalk a old, crazy white man clad in only a wife beater and pants 17 sizes too big who is surely a clan member starts yelling obscenities at me. Well my fantastic super-dog Atticus AKA. Wolverine starts barking and growling at this old man (we’ll call him Forrest). I seriously thought my little 14.3 pound dog was going to hurdle the fence and rip Forrest’s Nazi flag tattoo right off his arm. Now Atticus loves strangers and always runs right to them. So for him to lose it on Forrest was a big deal. What a good dog! I think he’s a genius!

So we carry on walking to the park. With me picking the dog up and darting across the main road with visions of Frogger in my mind. I kept picturing those huge tractor trailers that flatten that little guy. We finally make it into the park and discover how much better this place is on foot than in a car. It’s called Ellington Agricultural Center, if you live in Nashville check out all the walking trails. After we explore a few trails and Atticus is dying of thirst (I didn’t bring him any water, yes I’m a bad dog owner) we find a river.

Atticus loved this river, he dug up things and ran like a crazy dog for about 40 minutes. I’ve never seen that lazy dog so excited. It was so cute. He and I were, sweaty, covered in mud and river water and I’m sure we looked like hobos or 12 year old kids after a long day.

Atticus was still so excited on the walk home that he practically ran. Since we had gone so slow on the way there I thought we would jog back. So as we are jogging Atticus decides he is going to dive headfirst into a stream that runs alongside the road. He completely immerses himself in the muddy water then leaps into my arms from fright. It looked to funny I collapsed on the side of the road in tears from laughter. So at this points we are sweaty, covered in mud, river water AND grass, out of breathe, and crying with laughter. 

We finally make it home. I know Mae will be seriously irate if she comes home to a nasty, wet, smelly dog. So I know the only option is to bath this poor exhausted creature. I wrestle him into the tub and proceed to get even more wet and stinky (is that possible at this point??) bathing him. I feed the poor animal and he practically kissed me for putting him back in his crate. I am sure he is FAST asleep as I type.

I then get into my car and immediately realize that I am that smell. It’s never good when you can smell yourself! After a freezing cold shower I am thouroughly exhausted and happy. 

What a Nashville day!!!!  

 

Ed. Note- Sorry guys I had video’s but I can’t figure it out just now!

Summer Love

It feels like I haven’t posted in forever! I’ve been so blissfully happy I can’t seem to think of any sarcastic comments or make fun of people. I don’t even recognize myself!! And I didn’t want to post some sappy crap that would make everyone throw up in their mouths and delete me from their blog roll, so that left me nothing!

It’s summer in Nashville, and aside from the fact that I can’t see and/or breathe its incredible!! So here’s my list of wonderful summer Nashville things!!

• Movies in the Park. Picture Jennifer Lopez and Matthew McConaughey in Wedding Planner but better..and real. And the icing on the cake, they are playing Dirty Dancing. Yeah I’m crazy for Swayze, I said it. Don’t act like you never wanted to carry a watermelon.

 

•  Canoeing! Yeah it’s the Harpeth and yeah its like a big bath but I love it! Even when Tipp makes me row us all by myself! Watch out for the cows!!!

 

• A tan! Summer means I get to look healthy and not like a little Indian kid with jaundice and huge circles under her eyes! and NO MAKEUP! I’ll be damned if I’m wearing makeup in 145 degree weather with 200% humidity..deal with it! I’m going with the theory that a tan makes you look ten pounds skinnier..now if they are right about looking ten pounds skinnier if you stand up straight, I’m at my goal weight!! How do you like that weight watchers!

 

• We won’t have 25 kids in each gymnastics class I teach on the bus! And since the kids can go outside all day it’s not a melee when they get to come out to us! Downside, sweaty little bodies that just want to loll all over you. One more upside, when it gets really hot they just want to lie down. Maybe I should just put the heaters on year round?

 

• Dancing in the Park. A huge band playing swing, latin or Jazz music. And tons of people dancing like professionals at sunset! Who am I kidding, I’ll never have the balls to go out there! I look like Elaine when I dance. NOT cute! Maybe I’ll go watch..

 

 

Deep Thoughts Part 44.8

• Telephone headsets make me laugh..Hard. I want to sing Madonna songs whenever I see someone wearing them. Bluetooth is pretty much the same story, I laugh really hard when people wear them. Most of the time they see me laughing at them, oops. But seriously bluetooth..come on.

 

• Ugly Betty is about 28 and still has braces. Hey ABC, no one has braces for 5 years, I think its time to let her get them off. Evolve the character people.

 

• I could not have loved it more when Bailey told the nurses on Grey’s to close their legs and stop having sex with Sloan. Those nurses are whores, quit sleeping around and concentrate on your job bitches!! And Sloan?? Seriously, you’re trying to tell me it shocked them he was sleeping around??!!? I guess that’s why they aren’t Doctors, not so smart. (sorry if anyone is a nurse out there! Love you!)

 

• I think my dog has Pica. He ate about a pound of sand today, isn’t that weird? I’m pretty sure I’ll be dealing with doggy diarrhea in about 3 hours. Not the smartest dog on earth.

 

• I forgot what it’s like to be so happy you actually can’t think of anything to bitch about. I’m not sure I’ve ever been this happy. If you know me you know it’s big if I can’t find something to be sarcastic about!

 

• My dog’s favorite toys are some knitting and his brush…I think he’s gay. Maybe it’s because he has two mommies. It’s ok I accept him just as he is, don’t worry.

 

• Angelina Jolie’s having twins. I really hate that tramp, but still kind of wish she lived in Nashville and needed childcare, she would keep my school open with her 48 children. Imagine the diapers those people buy, they will have 4 children (possibly 5) in diapers. I think she uses anti-birth control.

 

• Tipp’s post on 15 parenting tips is hilarious. I think it is hilarious how many people just wing parenting. READ A BOOK PEOPLE! DAMN! If your 8 year old sleeps in your bed, still takes a bottle and breast feeds you are a failure. Plain and Simple.

 

• I tried out for Wheel Of Fortune one time. I didn’t make it…damnit. I would kick that shows ass. I’m a puzzle solving fool!

 

 

 

Random Things

Ok so Chickbug tagged me.

The details:
- Post the rules on your blog
- Write six random things about yourself in a blog post
- Tag six people in your post
- Let each person know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog
- Let the tagger know your entry is up

Here’s my six random things

• I have been a superhero for every Halloween (except last year) for as long as I can remember. Cat woman, Bat Girl, Superwoman…I also own superhero underwear…

 

• I have always wanted to work at Disney World, as one of the characters. I even applied once..Apparently I’m only eligible to be Jasmine or Pocahontas..Damnit I had my heart set on Ariel.

 

•  I have a huge crush on Benji from So You Think You Can Dance…Yes Yes it’s embarrassing, he is just so happy damnit.

 

• I actually read the Dog Whisperer to help me figure out what the hell to do with Atticus sometimes.

 

• I cry every time I watch Titanic. (don’t lie, you know you do to!)..Those two had only each other!!!!

 

 

• I can do a really awesome Indian Accent. Every time Mae and I do it, J loses it laughing. It’s hilarious.

 

Ok I tag Tipp, Mrs. Lilac, I’m not really a Diva, and Michelle and The City

Bucket List

I think everyone should do this. It is a list of things you want to accomplish before you die. These can’t be life goals, like have kids or get married. They need to be random things you’ve always wanted to do. The catch is you actually have to try and accomplish some of them!

Here’s mine!

1. Learn how to drive a stick shift (yes, yes, it’s pathetic I know)
2. Swim in the Dead Sea
3. Sing on Broadway (this is one of those unattainable ones..if you know me you know why..I am not exactly musically inclined)
4. Live in London
5. See Gorillas (not at the zoo, I want to see them wild)
6. Drive across the US. (Not coasts, I want to see all the middle bits)
7. Go to a clambake
8. Tend bar on an island..a la Cocktail with Tom Cruise…wait screw the working, I just want to live there.
9. See Mount Rushmore
10. Learn to snow board (and hopefully not kill myself)
11. Go to Russia
12. Take the Sound Of Music Tour in Austria (I’m going to sing every damn word of that movie the entire time too!!)
13. See the Seven Wonders of the World (yeah I know there are like 25 wonders, but I’ve got my seven all picked out)
14. See Buddhist Monks in a monastery
15. Canoe down the Zambezi

Tell me some of yours..I can’t promise I won’t steal them…

I’m a Jumper.

So today a friend made an offhanded comment about how I am not cautious when it comes to dating. This is not a surprise to me, I’m not completely ignorant about myself. For some reason this stuck with me all morning. I started thinking about how, yes I am kind of a jump in with both feet kind of person.

I have really only had two big fears in my life.

1. To come to the end of my life and look back with regret. I am terrified to sit by myself when I’m 80 and think Damnit I should have done _____. I want to sit there by myself and be content with my memories, knowing I left no stone unturned.  There is a train song about looking back on your life at various points, it scares the crap out of me!

2. Having my kids think I am uncool–and them being RIGHT! I have had my ridiculous teen years and many (MANY) disagreements with my parents over the years, but I could never accuse them of being uncool. They aren’t, it’s just a fact. My parents have lived a fantastic life; owned businesses, emigrated, traveled the world, been in jail for protesting human rights, walked in the jungle with lions, had kids, grandkids and danced like fools. They are cool. I want my kids to feel the same way about me, to just know that I have experienced life and can offer them advice from that experience.

So yes I am less than cautious, in love and otherwise. As to the in love part, I have dated some wonderful and not so great people but I can honestly say I don’t regret anyone. I have always learned from the experience. I can honestly say I wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve only really been knocked on my ass one time. It was the kind of thing where you love someone so much you don’t see their faults and would move mountains to be with them. I have learned from that experience how resilient I am and that I definitely want to the movie love kind of love. It’s out there people! I see it in my married friends and parents every day. Sometimes just glimpses and its not all roses but it’s there! So yes i jump in with both feet and if I knew how to dive I’m sure I’d do that too!

I’ve made mistakes and will probably make tons more. I’ve ugly cried and laughed so hard I thought I would throw up. I’ve never stayed in a job I hate, never stayed in a relationship long after it was good just because it was comfortable, I’ve done my dream job, and had one foot in one ocean and the other in another. I’ve done some stupid things that I won’t go into, but I don’t regret them! If anything they are really funny stories! So, I’m going to continue to jump in headfirst and hope that when the time comes I will look back and be content.  

Atticus Update

As I type Atticus is alternately attacking his new chicken toy and chasing his own tail. He got SO big in the three days I was away! I can’t believe it!

I thought I would post some new pics of the little guy.

 

Behavior update: Atticus is doing great! He is totally fine with the crate, actually likes it (and I didn’t believe the vet!) and his accidents are few and far between. He actually sits by the door and whines now! Amazing, dogs are so smart! The vet said Australian Shepard’s (that’s what his momma is) are really smart. But I think 2 weeks is pretty incredible (I might be a scoche biased)! (HUGE sigh of relief inserted here.

HO-LY SHIT! As I’m typing Atticus just walked in to the bedroom and lay down in the crate!! He’s a genius!

Virgin

Yup, it’s me. I’m the virgin. Puppy virgin that is. Let me tell you puppies are HARD WORK. I went into this endeavour all naive and bushy tailed. Ready to have the most trained dog on the block. He was going to be so much fun, Mae would have some company, where was the downside??

While Atticus is seriously the cutest thing on earth he can also be a big pain. Everyone who is awwing right now and thinking I am really mean has obviously never had a puppy!

We got Atticus on Sunday, he was so good. Charmed my three year niece, he was so sweet with her, just slept on her lap and let her pet him non to gently. He played with my nephew and charmed Mae when she got home from Indiana.

THEN it started. Monday he was with me all day. He cried and barked if I left him side. He refused to walk making me carry him everywhere (I realize he was sad about leaving his mom and all that but DAMN). Monday I put him in the crate for the first time and he was GREAT! He slept in the damn thing for like an hour. I thought I was home free! However, my naive ass didn’t realize I was sitting right beside him of course he was aces, he knew I was there! Well, Mae gets home and we test him in the crate in the other room. It was MAYHEM! Picture the scene in Lady and the Tramp when they are barking about the rat. I swear to god I thought this dog was going to blow out his vocal cords. Mae and I sat in her living room staring at each other in horror. Mae lives in an apartment and we had already agreed that if she got a noise complaint Atticus would have to find a new home. Finally he calmed down and I went home. Seriously relieve to get away, however I had nightmares that he was in the bed with me and I was smothering him all freaking night.

Fast forward to Friday. After a week of shitting on the carpet (he hasn’t done that in a few days, Pissing everywhere he pleases (he still does that), crying in the crate (he is over that, thank god!), and waking Mae up every hour (we are hoping this will stop ASAP!). We were done. Mae calls me at about 7 and tells me that when he woke her up at 5:30 she burst into tears. I’m pretty sure it was the ugly cry and I don’t blame her, she had worked about 50 hours that week and born the brunt of his hourly potty breaks.

I was distraught, how could I let this dog ruin my friends life! And on top of that Atticus seemed miserable, he moped around all day, never played, hated walks and was only happy with other dogs. I felt so bad for him. He was miserable, we were miserable. I spent the whole morning thinking about it. I am not going to lie, I cried from sheer exhaustion as well. There was just too much going on last week; exams, Cruella had reared her ugly perfectly coiffed head again, and on top of all that the dog was majorly time consuming. I was spending 3 or 4 hours a day trying to train him. Mae was putting in about as much time at night.

Then I went to the vet. Man let me tell you the vet did some MEAN things to my poor pup. I felt so bad for him, but I asked about a million question. Why was he so lazy? Was he sad? How much should I feed him? What is he?? When will he SLEEP? The vet was awesome and answered everything for me. Apparently our little Atticus had worms and that had a lot to do with his disposition and sleeping problems.

Atticus has perked up in the last few days, I’m pretty sure he is getting used to our crazy schedules. He is acting more like a puppy and not having as many accidents. We have pretty much beaten the crate. Now he just needs to sleep through the night, so we can save Mae’s sanity.

Atticus is currently sleeping across my shoes with his water bottle in between his paws. So Cute! Forget everything I said puppies are great. Wait, he just peed on the carpet, DAMNIT!

Things I have learned

I never knew how much it is possible to care when and how much a dog shits

Dogs can get depressed

Dogs are really really smart and can sense your mood (he knew he was on the chopping block Friday and was sweet as pie)

You can learn exactly what your dog looks like right before he pisses on the carpet and stop him in time.

Vets check to see if your dogs testicles have dropped (YOWCH!)

A water bottle is a lot more fun than the $100 dollars worth of toys you just bought (Damnit)

Everything needs time and patience, especially dogs

PUPPIES ARE HARD–Get one that is crate and potty trained and save yourself a HUGE headache.

 

Totally random note–I’m watching Somewhere in Time with Christopher Reeves and Jane Seymour. Anyone seen it? I absolutely love this movie! I am crying in anticpation of how sad it is!

 

Interviews

I saw this cool thing on Tipp’s page. They are interviewing 50 bloggers in 50 states. Sounds cool! I’m doing it. Check it out!

 

This just because it makes me laugh.

What??!?!!?

I just thought I would tell you that my top search is Dildo mom….yeesh, sickos.